My imagination stops me sometimes. When you’re a kid imagination is fun and nobody tries to stop it but when you get older you all of a sudden use your imagination to keep you from doing things. At least for me, like I’ll want to do something and I’ll think “oh what if” You know that thing? Let’s say for instance I’m out of cheese and I’ll think “oh but what if I go to the store and they’re out of cheese.” I’ll be like “how can you be out of cheese?” and they’d be like “how can we be out of cheese? You’re out of cheese, people run out of cheese.” and then I’ll be like “yeah but you’re a store, you should have cheese stocked up in the back for people like me coming in looking for cheese.” and that’s when they send the manager over, who thinks he’s so cool for being the manager, because his picture’s framed at the front of the store ‘cause he’s the manager. And he’d be like “what seems to be the problem, ma’am?” Which to me is so condescending, like little lady, you know? and I’d be like “the little lady’s problem” and he’d be like “who’s the little lady?” I’d be like “shut up and listen to me. You’re out of cheese and I want some” He’s like “Well how ‘bout some cottage cheese?” Like he’s going to negotiate the situation, he’s a diplomat because he’s the manager. And I’d be like “I don’t want cottage cheese, I want cheddar cheese, sharp cheddar cheese is what I came in here for. Sharp cheddar cheese and cottage cheese are not the same thing. Just ‘cause it has the name cheese in the title doesn’t make it a cheese at all. That’d be like going to a musical instrument store and saying “I’d like to buy a trumpet” and they’d say “I’m sorry we’re all out of trumpets but would you like a shoe horn?” See that’s not the same thing is it Mr. Manager? And he starts to get all nervous and everything because a crowd’s forming and he starts feeling humiliated because they’re all mumbling “what seems to be the problem?” “I don’t know, she wants some cheese” and so he just slaps me right across the face. So that’s when Skip, the part time guy who works there. He hates the manager ‘cause he thinks he’s so cool for being the manager and treats Skip like shit ‘cause he’s just the part time guy. And Skip”s gonna quit in the fall and go back to school anyway. He doesn’t even need the money, he’s from a wealthy family. He’s just doing it for the experience because his family wants him to work one summer. So anyway he takes the hose and he goes to spray the manager right in the eye, but that’s when he’s leaning down to pick up the cottage cheese, so he misses him and gets this old woman that’s standing right behind him and she’s there picking an avocado ‘cause the older you get, the less you eat and she just wants the avocado. So she screams out “My eye! I’ve been sprayed int the eye with a produce hose.” That’s when her nephew, who’s visiting from Austin, TX, is two aisles over picking out tortilla chips ‘cause he’s thinking they’re gonna have come guacamole, little does he know it’s just one avocado. So he starts running “I’ll help you aunt so-and-so” running and then while he’s running down the aisle he slips on the water from the produce hose. Breaks his leg, breaks his arm, bruises two ribs, he got a stitch in his cheekbone, just one. Chaos breaks out and it’s all over hard copy, and entertainment tonight, access hollywood “LESBIAN DEMANDS CHEESE, CAUSES RIOT!” So now I don’t even want the cheese anymore.
Ellen DeGeneres: The Beginning (2000)
I thought I was the only person who did this!! I’m not alone! <3 Ellen!! :D
